Fishes and Loaves.

As I write this, I am unsettled with God.
Never have I been so unapologetically in love with Him and who He is creating me to be. The ways He is reshaping my heart have put me in awe, and there has been growth in ways I could’ve never expected. This last week has been inspiring, beautiful, challenging, and filled with the type of brokenness that leads to healing. Currently, I’m still in the process of being broken for the purpose of progress. I am in the presence of the Creator of the Universe, and I’m mad at Him. I’m not in the middle of a deep spiritual debate or wrestling with theology, yet I’m struggling all the same.
One of the things I’ve learned at training camp is that it is common to break or sprain your ankle. I’ve heard three personal testimonies of this being one way the Lord teaches lessons here. One person said it was to bring them to a point of rest with God. It helped them slow down and embrace the moment where He had them. The two others were about the Lord teaching them how to accept help. Sydney, one of the girls, called this place “a pressure cooker of growth. Five months of growth get compacted into three weeks.” So, here I am, sprained ankle and all, sitting with God.
It took a few days to figure out my lesson, and I am still learning how to apply it. The Lord put me in a position of complete reliance on Him. Something as small as a sprain is a knock on my pride – I need to accept help. Actually, it’s more than just accepting it, I have to ask for it. My friends are generous with their time, and gracious to me as they grab things like water and ice. I know it’s a physical injury, but it’s a spiritual one too. I don’t know when it will heal, but I do know He’s taken most of the pain away. Based on my swelling, I assume I would be in a lot of pain right now without God. It is by His mercy that I only feel pain on occasion.
Not feeling much pain means I have little threshold to measure my limitations – I usually do things until my body gives me a warning to stop, but there is no warning right now. There are hours when my ankle will feel completely fine unless I move around a lot. When I feel okay, it’s temporary and ends in a decent amount of discomfort later in the day. I look at how low my swelling is and think it’s almost healed, only to measure it next to my other ankle and get discouraged. Not feeling pain means that I struggle with being injured at all, especially since I face few immediate repercussions for using it.
I’ve received prayer many times, but still, my ankle hasn’t healed. I’ve been angry because I know God has the power to heal me. A few days ago, the Lord radically changed my life and healed my heart. I read the stories in Luke where He said “Your faith has made you well,” and I stared at Him in awe. I’ve seen His healing hand on my life this week, so why wouldn’t He heal my physical body alongside my spirit? As much as I want to bargain, He has clearly said it’s not the time to heal my ankle.
After a week, I decided to go to a doctor. They said it was a bad sprain, and if my pain doesn’t go away completely I need to go to an orthopedic surgeon. Now, I’m walking around with a clunky boot, and trying to keep my spirit from being downcast. It’s been difficult to remain joyful as I watch my friends participate in things that I can’t join in doing. They have a newfound passion for swing dancing, and I would love nothing more than to be with them. Actually, I would be content if it meant I could simply go on a walk with a few of my friends.

So, what’s the point? What are the things the Lord is showing me during this time? I am so glad you asked!
First, He is showing me that I am surrounded by love. People are willing to pray over me multiple times in a row and don’t mind carrying my chair around. My injury isn’t a burden to those who care about me, and my failures don’t make me inadequate. I am the only person who saw my ankle injury as a limitation. Second, everyone has different feet. All feet are weird, and they kind of gross me out. Still, the Lord washed the disciple’s feet as a servant would. Through my injury, He is bringing new life. He is repairing the damage from the life that I walked before I got here. Every step I’ve taken outside of alignment with Him is being renewed and redeemed for His glory. Third, making a mistake and needing rest does not alter His opinion of me or dictate my worth. When I told Squad Leader Bill how worried I was about missing out on morning exercise, we made jokes about using the time to journal all the ways I am less than those around me. It was all in good fun, but as we talked about how I could write about my inadequacies, I realized that I was putting my worth in what I am capable of doing and not who the Lord has created me to be. Finally, walking with Him isn’t easy. God never promised that following Him would be easy. Right now, it feels like I’m walking on broken glass *to quote the Jonas Brothers*. He’s showing me that anything I do is not on my strength but through His power.
I’ve listened to many songs during my time on the sidelines. My current favorite is called “Fishes and Loaves” by Josiah Queen. I can’t do much on my ankle, and it feels like I don’t have much to offer my team other than a supportive smile and the occasional hug. The one lesson I’m beginning to grasp is that I don’t need to earn love because God gives it freely. It’s all about faith, and trust that His plans are greater than mine. He has been so good to me, and training camp has been refreshing through its challenges. No matter what, I know He is taking care of me. It is such a blessing to be surrounded by such a strong community, and I’m looking forward to whatever the Lord has next.