When it comes to physical exertion, I would rather avoid it at all costs. It’s pushing myself to my body’s limits, fighting for physical progress, and even battling myself to breathe on occasions that is all unappealing to me. People who like to work out are crazy, but I massively respect them. For the longest time, I asked how people enjoy breaking their bodies down simply to rebuild everything they broke. Well, the answer to that age-old question is that when you rebuild, you grow stronger. It’s not for the joy of breaking yourself down but for the progress of building back up more than you knew you were capable of. Which is okay for other people to enjoy, but it’s not my cup of tea. I would much rather be at home, curled up on the couch with a soft blanket, a good book, and a real cup of tea. By that I mean a real mug with warmth steaming from the top, and the sunshine peeking through the window shining on my plants.
Training for the World Race means being capable of carrying my own weight. Both literally and figuratively. I will have all of my possessions on my scrawny shoulders. My already aging back will have to withstand carrying two backpacks and a guitar. My legs will beg for me to sit down even after a few minutes of movement. I’ll have to continue relinquishing my spiritual burdens because I’ll be too busy carrying my physical baggage. If I know anything about my heart, I’ll be looking toward the finish line, and I won’t stop until I reach it. Call it what you will, resilience, desire to fight for the kingdom, stubbornness, it all gets me to the same goal – the end. I never thought that the Lord created me to be resilient, but the more I work toward leaving, the more He reveals that I wasn’t created to bend easily. It is not of my stubbornness, it is by the grace of the Father in all that He is providing for me. It’s not a desire to prove that I can do it, but it comes from wanting to do what He asks of me. That slight shift in motivation has changed so much in my life. Even if I don’t get everything done to the highest standard possible, I am still enough for Him.
Don’t you ever wish you could reach the goal without doing all the work it takes to get there? To gain all the health benefits without having to break yourself in order to propel yourself forward. Physical progress doesn’t come without hard work and diligence. It’s about consistency, and it is very similar spiritually as well. When climbing a mountain (or in my case, hiking eight miles) you don’t start at the bottom and then automatically beam to the top with the best view. You don’t start in faith doing everything right, seeing all the fruits of the spirit without working to let go of your sin by handing it over to the Father. Even if I know it’s good for me, it’s hard to justify crying on a treadmill just to be able to run a mile and coughing up a lung because I can’t breathe. Even then, I made my choices when I signed up to leave. I need to be able to run, sing, and push myself to my limits. I need the diligence to follow the Lord even when it’s hard, especially when it comes to decisions He is asking me to make.
When running, I dig my heels in. Headphones are on, and nothing else matters. I fight with my spirit and my own heart. I go to war in my head and ask the Lord for help. Usually, He tells me to keep going even though the desire to be done is ever-present. He reminds me of His gentle presence, and I ask Him for strength. I tell Him that I can’t make it to the end, my goal was too ambitious, and it wasn’t wise to set a goal I’m incapable of reaching. He laughs and tells me to rely on His strength, to have Him be my support. Usually, that conversation takes place halfway through my workout, and there is still way too far for me to walk or run to think I’ll make it. Through it all, I tend to focus on the end. I look to completing my task and being done with it. To make it home at the end of the day, and be finished with everything I set out to do while I was at the gym, or make it through the hike with all my limbs intact.
What all of this is teaching me is that I am resilient. I fight to reach my goal, even if I don’t feel like I can. It’s because the Lord is good to me, and He loves me, and because He created me to fight on the frontlines for His kingdom. There is a deep capacity to withstand difficulty because of what the Lord is doing in my heart. I want to hear Him say “Well done my good and faithful servant.” I yearn to be in His presence like a child playing at the feet of their father. Learning that it’s better to focus on the journey and enjoy the path I’m on, even if it’s difficult and exhausting has been such a beautiful way to look at life. All of this reminds me that itching to be gone already isn’t going to help me. This season of preparation and anticipation is not rewardless. This patience I wrestle to have is valuable to hold onto. There is purpose in the day-to-day routine. Even if it means breaking down a little to let the Lord rebuild me. The walls I had built in an attempt to protect myself easily deteriorate and fade, but His palace in my heart will never fade. He comes in to break down my false kingdom and have His way in my life. It is priceless through the temporary pain of being broken. Just like running, it gets easier over time, and smoother with intentional diligence.
You are learning so much about trusting the work of the Holy Spirit in your life. He is faithful and has promised to complete the work He began in you. I look forward to reading about more of that process as you seek first His kingdom. Much love and continued prayer, Grandma.
I love the statement – “Which is okay for other people to enjoy, but it’s not my cup of tea. I would much rather be at home, curled up on the couch with a soft blanket, a good book, and a real cup of tea.” LOL. I love you, too. 🙂