Goodbye to Guatemala…

I began writing this entry in the South Korean airport, and I’m currently finishing it halfway through my time in Vietnam. It’s never been easy for me to condense my thoughts or feelings, (we all know I have a lot of them), so I’m asking you all for grace in my disconnected thoughts and scattered scribblings haha.

The last week in Guatemala contained many lessons about my identity in Christ and reminders of things the Lord has called me to do. As I look back on everything that God has done for me over the last two months, I question how blind I’ve been throughout my life. He works miracles all the time, everywhere, and I can’t even begin to question how many times He’s tried to tell me something that I’ve intentionally ignored for the temporary comfort the world provides.
Conversations about identity began almost immediately after we arrived and continued to be consistent throughout our time in Guatemala. I’ve always known that I’m a child of God and I’ve been made clean through Christ’s blood, but knowing something and believing it is two different things. One of the first things I thought when the conversation about identity came up was how I had a well-rounded understanding of who I am, which is mostly true because I know how the Lord created me, yet I struggle to believe that what He says about me is true.
During our time at the AIM base, we had weekly teaching on the fivefold ministries mentioned in Ephesians 4:11. At the start, we had a basic foundation that everyone is called to operate in all five giftings, yet it may be more natural for us to draw to one or the other. While going back over evangelism and prophecy was more of a recap, the teaching on apostleship was full of new information and perspective. While I was sick for the teaching on… well… teaching, every lesson we were given had something new to glean from and provided a fresh perspective on what it means to be a disciple of Jesus. As I went into the talk about being a pastor, I wasn’t anticipating it to be any different than the other teachings.
I’ll preface everything I share with how I’ve wrestled with the idea that I am pure in Christ. The idea that I’m holy, blameless, and righteous through what Jesus did on the cross is insane to me. In my perspective, I’m just a random girl who grew up in a small town, and to make matters worse – I’m a sinner. I have made so many mistakes, and in my opinion I have no business living in the blessings of the Creator of the Universe yet by His grace He chooses to forgive us and draw us into His presence. He makes us pure, and desires a relationship with us… I just think that is absolutely crazy. How amazing that we get to know Him, and be fully known by Him, and He still loves us completely!

As I sat in Guatemala on our last Thursday, with worship beginning to stir the hearts of my friends, the Lord gently nudged me to sit back with Him and watch. I leaned against a wall near the edge of the room, tangibly witnessing the Holy Spirit comfort those who were hurting, questioning why God would once again have me sit alone.

He spoke to me clearly,

I am trying to teach you about your true identity. Rest in the fact that I have made you pure. You are a new creation. Your body may suffer afflictions, but your spirit and heart are healed. By my blood, through my grace. My daughter, I see you. I’ve sent my angel to be with you, but I am with you always. You are not lost, and you never have been.

You can only imagine the puddle of tears I was sitting in.
I was wrecked on so many levels.

Now, I’ve only felt angels with me once before this. It’s such a vivid memory of one night, surrounded by others in worship, where I was weeping on the ground. I remember being covered with protection, and despite all the tears I shed on the floor, there was so much peace. Sitting in Guatemala with an angel of the Lord was very similar, except this time, the angel was there to help me receive what the Lord was saying. For the most part, doubt and unbelief are not things I commonly struggle with. Yet, when it comes to receiving love, I tend to struggle in those areas because I feel unworthy. In this specific instance, the Lord sent the angel to provide me with rest in knowing that everything I would receive would fully come from Him. The best way I can describe it is that it’s almost like the angel was standing on guard so that I could encounter the presence of the Lord.
This moment was an outpouring of His love over little me crying in the corner. As the Lord continued to speak over me, He would give me passages and scriptures. I walked away from that worship session with a list of verses about how the Lord created me intentionally and specifically. These verses were filled with purity, wisdom, and peace, which are all things I’ve struggled to accept as truth about my identity. He reassured every fear I had and showed me that although I struggle with my physical body through my illnesses, my spirit doesn’t need to be downcast. He instructed me to relinquish the burdens I feel so comfortable carrying.

A couple of the verses He gave me include :

“For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!”. The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him. For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God.”
– Romans 8:13-19
“ So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.”
– 2nd Corinthians 4:16-18
“The aim of our charge is love that issues from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith.”
– 1 Timothy 1:5
“See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. The reason why the world does not know us is that it did not know him. Beloved, we are God’s children now, and what we will be has not yet appeared; but we know that when he appears we shall be like him, because we shall see him as he is. And everyone who thus hopes in him purifies himself as he is pure.”
– 1 John 3:1-3
“Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.”
– Philippians 4:4-9

After worship ended I collected myself, brushing off the tears, and I felt an unexplainable peace. Jumping directly into the teaching on the pastoral ministry was a bit of a whirlwind. Many things during this teaching felt like the speaker had read my journal. He shared that pastors are called to three things – to care – guide – and protect. God calls us all to care for one another. The Lord brings people into our lives all the time, and we get to decide to pour out the love that He has already given us onto them. When we love others, it always has a ripple effect that we don’t understand. It isn’t for us to know how much it matters, it’s only up to us whether or not we choose to invest our time and energy into others. Our speaker went on to talk about how it isn’t about how much time we have in a location or space, it’s really about how we care for the people there during the time we have.
What struck me the most was when he asked how many of us were struggling to leave Gutemala. I broke into a puddle just at the idea that I would have to say goodbye. The encouragement given was that the pain in leaving comes from the place of truly loving this place and these people and that there is peace in knowing that we’ve ministered in the way the Lord has called us to. As the teaching continued, I got stuck on the challenge given to us: to love the people in Asia in the same way as we loved in Guatemala.
When I went off to sit with God after our lesson, telling Him about everything I had experienced in my rollercoaster of emotions, He continued to give me scriptures and expand on who He’s created me to be. It was the first time in the race that I felt completely seen and understood.
The Lord once again spoke to me clearly,

You are beloved. Holy and righteous in my sight. My daughter – I love you. I’m proud of you. Trust me, and I will give you perfect rest.

All of this began one of the hardest, most painful, and most rewarding two weeks of my life.

I’ve never been fond of goodbyes, and during our last days with our ministry hosts, I was slightly inconsolable. As our final conversations took place, blessings were spoken, and tears were shed. In my prayers, the roots of many past afflictions and burdens were exposed. I was led to repentance and reminded that I am not broken because of what has happened to me. The Lord has completely restored and renewed everything in my life. I walked away from this season with a well-rounded picture of who I am in Christ, and I get to walk in the freedom the cross brings.
As we left the beauty of Guatemala, despite my sadness, I found rest in the Lord’s timing. I get to be blessed by everything I experienced and walk away with excitement for what He has next. Even though it hurt to say goodbye, God has given me peace in greater measures than I can even express.

So, officially (two weeks late), this is my goodbye to Guatemala. It’s been an honor to serve, and experience the culture there. I look forward to sharing what the Lord is doing during in Vietnam as well. Thank you all for your love and your prayers! It means the world to me that I get to be here telling people about the goodness of God, and learning more about it myself.

OH! Also, here’s my little Guatemalan playlist : just in case you were wondering haha

• High Praise by Tribl,
• See You Right (Luke 7) by MBL Worship,
• Garments by Cory Asbury,
• Who Am I by needtobreathe,
• Pure by Abbie Gamboa,
• Messiah / You’re Beautiful by Phil Wickham,
• Tend by Bethel Music,
• Missionary Anthem by MBL Worship,
• Homecoming by Bethel Music,
• Before and After by Elevation Worship