The heart of the anxious servant: aka the perfectionist.
It’s no secret that I like to get things done and do them well. Sometimes I have issues with starting tasks because of the fear that I could do them wrong. Although I know that messing up is human and it is okay to make mistakes, it bothers me if it isn’t correct the first time. The unfortunate catch is when I meet with Christ, He is very clear about relinquishing control. The funny thing is that I don’t even want to control my life. I am happy to have Him direct me because I have no idea what I’m doing, but still, I hesitate due to the false sense of security. Finding comfort amid our wrongdoings is on the list of things I never want to admit to anybody. It’s a lot easier to pretend our issues aren’t there. While sitting with Him recently, He was clear about what I was missing.
“You do not have to earn my love.”
“What? Lord, you must be mistaken. I’ve just got a lot of things to do.”
I paused, tried to justify myself to Him, then I broke. What does it mean when you feel like you’re doing everything with the correct heart posture, but He changes your perspective? After some conviction and inner turmoil, I concluded that He was right and I was wrong. I never thought I was trying to earn His love or validation, but there I was. And here I am, still trying to dismantle the patterns I’ve adapted over time. In life, it always feels like things are competing for my attention. I got a new job, went to Montana, and everything else – I’m in a relationship, I have extended family, there are church and service opportunities… and when does it end? When do we stop to taste and see that the Lord is good?
Even as I sit here writing all of this down, I don’t feel qualified to talk about finding rest in His spirit. It always seems like I’m moving so fast. Sometimes I get so busy trying to keep everybody happy that I neglect to sleep or eat. I want to sit with Jesus, and to do that, I have to find quiet with him in a constant mess. I’m still learning how to slow down, and the answer is that there is no answer. The nice thing is that He is always guiding and leading us; even when we don’t listen, He has a purpose. If you’re looking for a great example of what it means to let Him move, you could look at Job – who waited through the suffering he faced, or at Joseph – who waited in prison and still found ways to operate for the kingdom. When things get busy or go south, we have a hundred examples of people who struggled and still listened, letting the Lord work without doubting Him.
To be completely transparent, sometimes I feel like Elijah. You may recall when he sat under a tree and was so downtrodden that he slept, ate, and had an angel by his side. My burden is nowhere near what he was trying to carry, yet I tend to react in more dramatic ways, haha. It all boils down to heart posture and humility before the cross. We simply have to figure out how to take that stuff to the Father, and then He does the rest. It’s comforting to know He is there even if we don’t attribute the work taking place to His hands. The answer is so simple and so refreshing. We don’t try to make ourselves perfect before we meet with Him, we meet with Him, and by that, we try to be better. Our choices push us forward, and actively deciding to follow Jesus has an impact on us that we aren’t even aware of. We want to be seen as people of faith. Just by knowing him and trying to walk with him, our lives have a positive shift.
It’s crazy that His beauty and grace are unfathomable – and He gives them to us freely. From the glistening snow to the forgiveness of our sins. My goodness, isn’t He cool?
