“The Lord your God is with you,
the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
but will rejoice over you with singing.”
Zephaniah 3:6
Two months ago I went out to coffee with a mentor. He’s an old family friend that is basically another parent. We talked about my future, and the plans I laid out. I went into detail about this nine-month trip with AIM, and how I intend to go to school for nursing. We spent time filling in all my ideas, the progress, and the struggles that seem to follow hand in hand. He advised me to ask the Lord “who do you say I am?”. I shallowly laughed, I told him I would, and we parted ways with a smile. He said he was proud of me.
I am slowly beginning to see how important the word proud is to me. Not that I seek the approval of man, but that I strive to make my Heavenly Father proud. In my opinion – when someone says they’re proud of another, it’s personal. There is a mutual understanding of all of the progress that’s been made, and the hard work it took to get there. And it doesn’t shy away from how the starting place was rough, and how the place you are may still be a struggle. It’s the acknowledgment of the effort, and the thought to express that they see things changing. Or even, that there is potential to change.
The question was written on a napkin, shoved into my bag, and conveniently forgotten about. These past two months probably would’ve gone smoother if I had been intentional when it was given to me. It’s been such a blur of busy work and exhaustion. The type of tiredness that led to prayer from people at church, and kneeling in front of the Lord in tears. I’ve been drained before, and I tend to push myself to a point of falling apart. When those encounters with Him happen, I often get attacked by shame and guilt. The whisper in my ear that says “you’re being too needy”, “do you really need so much attention and validation that you’re on the ground at church.” And before you say anything, I know that those things are wrong.
There were a million things I was processing, but it all comes back to the same question that was so minuscule in January. Our conversations would often go something like this – “Lord, I don’t think I’m ready for this” – “I am so tired God… what if I was wrong about this” – “there has to be somebody more equipped for this, and who could do this job better.” Wash, rinse, repeat.
It felt like I was talking to a blank stare. The type of stare that is usually filled with disbelief. He spent a little time sympathizing with me and laughing at me too. Instead of asking about who He made me to be, I seemed to be a lot more content telling the Lord that He had the wrong girl. He’s sitting up there chuckling at me even as I write this.
With a lot of prayers *and a little impatience on my end*, I come back to the foot of the Father. He created me, and He knows my desires. The more I dive into learning about this lifestyle, and plan for heading into the unknown, I ask the Lord for opportunities to serve. I have never felt this type of passion and excitement, and I pray that it never goes away. I don’t know what the future holds, but I have hope for His plan. It’s strange, but I’m no longer at peace to sit on the sidelines and watch, for the first time I want to join the game. And even if He takes it all away, I find comfort that He knows better than I do.
If there is one thing I’ve learned in the last 20 years of my life, it’s that when He tells you to do something, try not to question His intentions. When I ask why He put me here with this opportunity, with these strangers, and those places to serve, I am reminded of what it means to have faith. Not only am I going to Eswatini, Cambodia, and Guatemala, but now I am also going to South Africa. As things get closer, plans change, and dates get shifted, yet my confidence doesn’t waver. There is something out there for me. I am going because He told me to go. And I will grow through all the things He is going to do. I am already seeing Him work all over, and the testimony of His miracles in my small circle are growing exponentially. To be blunt, I’ve never been an adventurous type, but buying an expensive hiking backpack was the most exciting thing I’ve done all year. And getting equipment is only a small part of this journey haha.
So I look forward to September, to all the places I get to go, and to all the people I get to learn from. I look forward to tomorrow, whatever the Lord has in store. He can do some pretty incredible things here in the States. You don’t have to travel to another country to meet with Him – I think He likes spending time with us no matter where we go. And I look forward to the conversations I have with the people I love. Those who have wisdom, and instruction. Those who teach me what it’s like to love others in the right way. I am grateful for all of the beauty in Washington, and for all of the people that I am blessed to know. I know this is only the beginning.
